A Broken Vessel

"I AM NOT OK." Four little words whispered to myself in a moment all to myself. A phrase that is followed by buckets of tears. As I have briefly mentioned before, I hate vulnerability. It feels like weakness, like a problem, like ungratefulness. To be vulnerable means I didn't have enough strength. I didn't rely on the Lord enough. I am being negative and ungrateful. A couple months ago my sister and I took the emotion quiz. I thought it odd that I turned out to be joy. But now I see it. Maybe that's why the movie hit so close to home for me. I am Joy. I must make things work. I fix problems, I find the silver lining. In the midst of this crazy world there is a reason to be happy, and happy we must be. We can do this! Find the positive. Keep going. Be Happy. So, I give myself my pep talk day in, day out. "I am fine. God's got this. He's in control. I am fine. I am fine. I am fine." But, the truth is I'm not. I'm falling apart. I'm battered, I'm bruised, I'm BROKEN… I am so broken…..

“I see the fragmented beauty of grace in their lives despite continued struggles. Beautiful mosaics formed by broken pieces.” 

― Cindy McCormick Martinusen

Honest to goodness, I hate it! I hate falling apart. I hate not having it together and I hate being broken. I keep trying to fix it, to hold it together but I'm failing miserably. So, here I sit, completely vulnerable. My broken pieces lying all around me…. I am not ok any longer. 

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"You do not want a sacrifice, or I would give it; You are not pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart." -Psalms 52:16-17

So I cry… a lot. I hurt, and I wish I could make it all work. I wish I could fix it. To erase the brokenness and put my life in a nice little box with a ribbon and bow. That my life would somehow be perfect. Then I realize it's too late…. So I cry some more.

I pray that God will hold me. That God will fix it. That somehow out of the mess I made he will still use me…. And in the midst of pondering how great my God is I realize just how broken I really am…. so I cry even more. Oh how I've messed it up! How I have ruined everything! What on earth am I suppose to do now…. All I can think is "I'm broken. I'm so broken." What kind of vessel is a broken one??

“God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever.” 

― Vance Havner

It was the broken vessel which Gideon was commanded to use. It was the broken vessel that made the Midinites realize they were surrounded by the Lord. It was the broken vessel that God used to give the Israelites the victory. Through the broken vessel, the light shone. Oh Lord, please shine through this broken vessel. Use every hurt, and every bruise. I pray every broken piece that has fallen to the ground will let your light shine even greater. Oh Lord, use this broken vessel. Route the enemy, rally the army and bring victory. 

"I have won, and I have lost. I got it right sometimes but sometimes I did not. Life has been a journey. I've seen joy, I've seen regret. Oh and you have been my God through all of it." -Colton Dixen