Saturday, August 29, 2015

Spirit Led or Coffee Fed

 I have been told that the first step in resolving a problem is to admit that you have a problem. I HAVE A PROBLEM!! I might need professional help. Is there a Coffee Anonymous?! I might need to check into the program if it exists. I honestly didn't think my coffee drinking was that big of a problem until recently….You know I used to hate coffee. Oh, Ms. Marilyn what have you done to me?! Good Ol' Ms. Marilyn! She's been in the ministry for over 50yrs. I met her my first year as a camp counselor. The spunky, drive a golf-cart crazy and would probably run over you, super particular about folding towels, Ms. Marilyn. I want to be her when I grow up. Anyways, it was Ms. Marilyn's coffee that began my journey to becoming an addict.... Ok maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit. Nontheless, that summer was very memorable. A milestone in my life. It was that summer that God began to develop a love and longing for ministry in my life; especially camp ministry. It was also the summer I began to like country music and coffee. And as I say, you can't go wrong with the three C's: Camp, Coffee and Country music! Ok I'm getting really off topic....


Coffee, the elixir of life. There is nothing like waking up to a the smell of fresh brew of coffee. The mornings my little brother would peek through my door and come in bearing a warm cup of joe, those were the best! Walking through the cafeteria door earlier in the morning, getting ready for the breakfast rush, was all worth it when I saw Bob's coffee pot full of steaming coffee. 

Yep, coffee has become a idle in my life. And I thinks about time to do something about it. Not that I think coffee is sinful or that I will never drink another cup.... Actually I'm drinking some right now.... But maybe I should make sure it's not taking over my life. 

I can't imagine a day without coffee. I can't imagine! -Howard Schultz

What has caused me to think this way? To realize I have a problem. Well.... When your coworker makes the comment, "Have you seen yourself before you've had your coffee in the morning? 'Cause I have." Makes me wonder if God is the one changing and controlling my attitude or am I allowing coffee to do that? 


Maybe I should also consider wearing more makeup to work..... I mean I work with plumbers so I really didn't think too much of it until one morning I came in, clocked in, drug myself to the coffee pot and heard "Woah! Looks like we have Mr. Hyde this morning instead of Dr. Jekyll. Drink that coffee girl! We need Dr. Jekyll!" I mean I hadn't got a lot of sleep the night before but I didn't think I looked that bad!!   

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. -Lewis Black

Ya'll when your coworkers, who are plumbers, start commenting on your dependence upon coffee something is wrong. So again, I think I need a coffee annoymous.... maybe I should start one. I still love coffee. Fact is I'll wake up tomorrow (Lord willing) and as I walk into the breakdown, will go straight to the coffee pot and pour myself a cup of coffee. However, I do need to be more attentive to my attitude and making sure it's being controlled by the spirit rather than coffee or anything else.

Monday, August 24, 2015

A Broken Vessel

"I AM NOT OK." Four little words whispered to myself in a moment all to myself. A phrase that is followed by buckets of tears. As I have briefly mentioned before, I hate vulnerability. It feels like weakness, like a problem, like ungratefulness. To be vulnerable means I didn't have enough strength. I didn't rely on the Lord enough. I am being negative and ungrateful. A couple months ago my sister and I took the emotion quiz. I thought it odd that I turned out to be joy. But now I see it. Maybe that's why the movie hit so close to home for me. I am Joy. I must make things work. I fix problems, I find the silver lining. In the midst of this crazy world there is a reason to be happy, and happy we must be. We can do this! Find the positive. Keep going. Be Happy. So, I give myself my pep talk day in, day out. "I am fine. God's got this. He's in control. I am fine. I am fine. I am fine." But, the truth is I'm not. I'm falling apart. I'm battered, I'm bruised, I'm BROKEN… I am so broken…..

“I see the fragmented beauty of grace in their lives despite continued struggles. Beautiful mosaics formed by broken pieces.” 
― Cindy McCormick Martinusen

Honest to goodness, I hate it! I hate falling apart. I hate not having it together and I hate being broken. I keep trying to fix it, to hold it together but I'm failing miserably. So, here I sit, completely vulnerable. My broken pieces lying all around me…. I am not ok any longer. 


"You do not want a sacrifice, or I would give it; You are not pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart." -Psalms 52:16-17
So I cry… a lot. I hurt, and I wish I could make it all work. I wish I could fix it. To erase the brokenness and put my life in a nice little box with a ribbon and bow. That my life would somehow be perfect. Then I realize it's too late…. So I cry some more.


I pray that God will hold me. That God will fix it. That somehow out of the mess I made he will still use me…. And in the midst of pondering how great my God is I realize just how broken I really am…. so I cry even more. Oh how I've messed it up! How I have ruined everything! What on earth am I suppose to do now…. All I can think is "I'm broken. I'm so broken." What kind of vessel is a broken one??
“God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever.” 
― Vance Havner

It was the broken vessel which Gideon was commanded to use. It was the broken vessel that made the Midinites realize they were surrounded by the Lord. It was the broken vessel that God used to give the Israelites the victory. Through the broken vessel, the light shone. Oh Lord, please shine through this broken vessel. Use every hurt, and every bruise. I pray every broken piece that has fallen to the ground will let your light shine even greater. Oh Lord, use this broken vessel. Route the enemy, rally the army and bring victory. 
"I have won, and I have lost. I got it right sometimes but sometimes I did not. Life has been a journey. I've seen joy, I've seen regret. Oh and you have been my God through all of it." -Colton Dixen


Sunday, August 23, 2015

A Love Story

"He's my darling.... 50yrs. We've been together 50 years September 3rd."


My electronic trance was interrupted by the sweet little old voice next to me. I couldn't help but smile as she nodded towards her husband hobbling toward us. I congratulated her on her 50th anniversary. But I was not to go back to my phone screen... "The secret is forgiveness." Again I smiled as I listen to the weathered voice give me advice for a long and happy marraige. "Forgive all the time, everything. For everyone."
"Not an easy thing to do" I replied. "No it's not always easy. But you get so...blessed when you do." She smiled at me with her brightly painted lips. "We've been through some hard times." She glanced at her beloved sitting next to her. "The thing that got us through was the Royals." She chuckled. " no matter the struggle, the health issues, we could sit down, forget all of them and watch the game. We would always end up smiling."  The couple looked at eachother with love in their eyes. I couldn't help but smile and chuckle to myself. How often do you get randomly caught up in a conversation like this waiting on your papa's eye appointment to end?


Of course you know what I had to ask next, "So, how did you meet?" She gladly told me the short tale. "Well he was in the service and I was in the service and we were at the bar and he asked me to dance. Everyone moved out of the way and watched us. Me in my high heels. We danced the boogie woogie." She giggled and nugged her hubby. "You two must have been some dancers." I responded. "Oh yes. We love to dance!" The next few minutes were spent talking about various things that had been occurring in their life. She doted on her husband. Telling him he was handsome and that he had a handsome heart. To which he replied, "They don't take pictures of hearts." lol 


She said he was a hard worker and he was really smart. The thing I noticed most is the admiration and love in her eyes. To her, he was everything. He was the most handsome, the smartest, the sweetest, the most hard working man alive and above all he was hers. Now that's a love story if I ever saw one! ☺️❤️

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Jesus Holds Me

Oh how I love rainy, dreary days. Sometimes it feels like God decides to cry with us. That is one thing I love about weather and especially the bi-polar weather of Kansas. I feel like it's a way God speaks to us, let us know he is here with us...Emmanuel. How strange it is that a simply rainstorm can make us feel like God is mourning with us. Funny how a slight warm breeze can feel like he is embracing me, or the sun peeking through the clouds can begin to brighten the day. The endless clouds rolling on the blue Kansan sky shows his infinity, creativity, and consistency. Yes, I love how just through the weather he reminds me he is here, he is with me. He is Emmanuel- God with us. He is El Roi- The God who sees me. He is my God.



So often in this world we forget that he is here among us. Here to walk with us, to help us, to hold us. Scripture often talks about the faith of a child. There is something special about it. Not fearing the future, not worrying about the past but just resting in the knowledge that God's got this. How easy it was to believe that back before the cares of this world began to choke me. What a vivid picture is given in Matthew. 

"Now the one sown among the thorns—this is one who hears the word, but the worries of this age and the seduction of wealth choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful." -Matthew 13:22

Isn't that how life is? The older we get the more cares and worries begin to choke us making us unfruitful. When all the while he is right here, ready to put all the pieces back together. I never realized how much I long to be held, to have someone hold all my falling pieces together. How easy it is to seek that from those around me only to be brutally disappointed to find they, in their humanness can't. 




When I was a little girl it was so much easier to remember my first love. Easier to trust his plan. Easier to rest in his arms. Why is it that the older we get the cares of this world weigh us down? Why is it so hard to cast them aside to run the race? I miss my childlike faith. 

My aunt has many stories of he babysitting adventures with me and my siblings. One of my favorites is when I was 2. I don't remember it, but I've heard the story enough that it feels like I do. My Aunt was watching me one evening, I had already been put to bed. Suddenly my Aunt heard me cry out. She rushed in and wrapped me up in her arms, stroked my head and tried to soothe my fears. She thought she had succeeded in calming me down when I looked up at her and said, 

"Jesus holds me." 

Jesus holds me. He holds me when I'm broken. He holds me when I'm afraid. He holds me when I feel like I'm falling apart. He holds me. 

"Jesus hold my hand. Jesus hold my heart. Jesus hold my life, and Jesus hold me."

How did I forget that he holds me. That he is the only one who can hold all the pieces together. How comforting it is to rest in his arms. How on earth could I have forgotten what it was like to be held by him? All the while seeking and desiring it from another means, a poor imitation of the real deal. When everything and everyone else fails to hold my brokenness together, Jesus holds me. 


Tuesday, August 18, 2015

It's Not What It Seems

"It's not what it seems" a phrase from my childhood... Unlike most girls, I didn't grow up with Barbie and Ken, I didn't play with make up or wish for a pony. I think it has been established that I was not your ordinary little girl. However, there was one princess movie I watched over and over and over!! Not only did I have "The Swan Princess" memorized complete with ever musical number (which I am pretty sure I could still quote), I also had my favorite purple swan princess shirt and matching socks.... Maybe I just had purple socks... Either way I was positive they were meant to be worn together. I also had a very memorable birthday surrounded by the theme of "Swan Princess." Although I have to admit it was not the theme of that party that made it memorable. Instead it was the simple fact that I was devastated my daddy would be gone on my birthday only to have him walk through the back gate as my party began. :) My prince had arrived just in time for the ball! 

As prince Derek struggles to find the kidnapped princess Odette, he has only one clue given by her father the king. His dying words ring over and over in Derek's ears, "It's not what it seems..." 


Life is never what it seems. There are so many twists and turns. So many things are unexpected and unpredicted. Mostly it's because we live and deal with people. "People" a simple and yet complicated and messy word. I can't help but think of C.S. Lewis' character Aslan. It is said that he is not a tame lion. You can never predict his actions or his thoughts... Of course the untame lion is meant to represent God. And in who's image is every human created?? No, we are not God... Not even close. But if he is so unpredictable and untame then it only stands to reason that those created in his image are similar. The comforting thing is that he, unlike his creation, he is perfectly good all the time. He is orderly. He is just. He never changes. But he is untame. 


People, his beautiful creation, made in his image, on purpose, with purpose, to glorify him... Boy are we a mess. An unpredictable, crazy, sinful mess. "The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked; who can know it?" We think we have things under control and the doctor gives us the diagnosis. We think we have security, a home, and suddenly a natural disaster hits. We finally financial stability and the car breaks down. We are hurt, stabbed and broken by those closest to us. One minute life is great, the next it's upside down. Or maybe the house of your dreams finally becomes yours! Maybe you finished your degree somehow with no debt! Maybe the love of your life walked into your life by surprise! We are joyful, excited and astounded by the goodness of the Lord.... Life seems to be roller coaster ride of ups and downs. So here we are in a world that is "Not as it seems." 


How do we cope? How do we put this messy, crazy, unpredictable life into a neat box with a bow? How can we understand it? How can we make sense of it or determine how to react to it? I guess the simple answer is, you don't!! As a person who loves things in order and under control it pains me to say that you can't do that with life. Yes, we can make plans. Yes, we can be wise in decisions. We can even predict some things. However, life will never be under control of a human being. PRAISE THE LORD! Goodness, could you even imagine? No, this world is in the hands of the creator. He has already won the battle, he holds the future in His hands. It is because of this that we can laugh at the things to come as proverbs says. 

This is where we should be securely resting in the arms of our Father! Often in the midst of "it is not what it seems" we often panic. Trying to grab on the edge of cliff as if we are falling to the abyss. Flailing our arms as if we are drowning. Why is it that in the midst of a world that is upside down believers can stand fast and secure? HOPE. Hope in the coming of the Lord. Hope that we have a future beyond this world. A Hope that we can rest in the one who is in complete control. 

So when all is "not as it seems".... STAND. Don't worry. Don't try and fix it. Don't try and control it. Simply STAND on the Firm Foundation of Christ!


"On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand...."

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Grace is Greater

If there is one thing I am bad at its being vulnerable. I absolutely hate it. Very few have seen me cry. Its not that I don't…. I actually do… more often than you might think. Its not that I have my life together. To be honest it often feels like its falling apart. Its not that I am strong or that I don't struggle. The fact is I just don't want you to see that part of me. I make it holy in my mind. I want to bring God glory and be positive about things. True, those are good things. But sometimes there is "pain in the offering." Sometimes things hurt. Sometimes there are trials you can't seem to bear. We get wounded, bruised battered, pushed down, hard pressed…… but we are not beaten. When is God glorified the most? When his strength is made evident in our weakness.


There is a strange balance in scripture. It often doesn't make sense to the human mind. Then again, who cares! Why? Cause it's fabulous! God is good all the time and one way that is shown is through our frailties, our mistakes, our mishaps. In my pride I struggle with this truth. How on earth could my human failures bring glory to God? All I see is humiliation and a lot of humble pie headed my way. The truth is it will not be rainbows and gum drops for us. No, I must face the consequences of my actions and choices. It's not easy. It's difficult. It's hurts and it's humiliating. But, God's Grace is Greater! 

We can have a horrible past. We can question and wonder how we can ever be forgiven. We can ask how we could ever be used. We are dirty, ragged, limping off the battle field. How can my testimony be used? How can I be a treasure? How can I be a vital part of a Holy mission? God's Grace is Greater!


I love these 4 words. Last year God took me on a long journey through the book of James. I thought I knew what he was doing then.... Little did I know that he wouldn't just build me up and stretch me then but he did that then to give me Hope now. Why? Because God's Grace is Greater. He had to teach me about his grace and begin to show me the truth of his Grace because he knew I would need his Grace for such a time as this. Now I get to understand the depth of His Grace personally. Oh my soul, Praise the Lord! Because God's Grace is Greater! 

What is Grace? Simply getting gifts we don't deserve. It is the covering. It is the robe placed on the prodigals back. No longer does anyone see my shame, my dirt, my filth, my sin. Now, they see a child of the king, clothed in his glory. Why? Because God's Grace is Greater. I will never get sick of saying it!! Let us shout it from the mountain tops! My God showers me with endless Grace!